JoL.says: I am very fragile too...

Morning loves.

Yesterday quarreled with ah b, cried all the way home, shouting, screaming like nobody business, just want to let myself feel better.
Then later in evening, went out to meet fel, part-time, laodi and laodi’s friend at 856A playground. Those guys really cheer us up a lot, but they are always talking about NS!
It’s so BORING! But its okay, at least we did laugh, did smile do we? :D

Anyway, after laodi and his friend went off, we catch up with part-time a little, and he really lost a lot of weight in NS lurhs! Oh man, I am so envy lurhs can? Cause I am getting fatter and fatter! It’s time to lose some weight lurhs, but I don’t really have the motivation to nowadays. :P

Then walked home myself, thinking a lot of what’s happening between ah b and me.
Did some reflection? Did I? I don’t know, but all I want is the same as what ah b wanted from me, or could put it in a way, our aim is the same, which is to stay happily together, enjoy when we are together. Maybe I put too much of stuffs into consideration before making decisions, before enjoying myself or ourselves. ;(

Reached home, gastric hurts like hell! So I had a late dinner again. (if continue like this, I got no idea when then I can slim down.) After “dinner”, straight away give ah b a call and we quarreled again. Ah b cried in the phone, venting all the feelings, hurts that he had in him for a long time. And I don’t know why, I felt envy of him. Because throughout the phone call, I am also deep hurt inside. I wanted to cry out so much so much! But yet, I got no tears, and I asked him ”哭的感觉很好吧?” and he cried harder, louder, saying “ when a guy cries, which mean he got very chng xim.” and when I heard this, I finally broke down into tears. Somehow I find that, we are going no where. And before I called him, I asked him a few questions because somehow I find that I am the only one who can give him so much stress and so much hurt till he broke down and I don’t want it that way, but somehow, he misunderstood me, he says, I say that because I want to leave him, because I don’t love him. But, that’s not the way but it’s just too late to say anything anymore, because I know, he no longer can listen to what I am saying anymore. And no matter how I explain to tell him that he had misunderstood what I say, he doesn’t put it into his head anymore.

Sigh~ I just hope things could be better if I am totally changed, I just hope this relationship, which we try so hard doesn’t go into the drain. If everything could be better, both of us are really happy, I am willing to change, willing to give in no matter what, willing to do anything for you, as long as you are happy. I can finally understand now why, why you started to treat me so differently from before, like what you say, your sub-conscious mind telling to do things this way to protect yourself from getting hurt. But all I can say is, whatever I did, whatever I say, whatever I act like, my wall set that high no matter towards who, no matter is friend, family or you, is the same. The reason why I am like this is because, anyone from any category of whom I know, once hurt me that deep before. I have my fear, I no longer want to cry alone in the dark when no people care and bothered, no people consoling me, and no people understand the hurt I am having, no people listening to my sorrows, no-one could heal that hurt that each individual give me.

I am like that from day one you know me. I am always the same. I am always that fragile who is acting strong and independent. I also hope to lead a normal and simple life like others, I also want to show people that I am fragile, but do I have a choice? Can I do that too?

I know and I understand, that even though you are a guy, you are also a human, you also have feelings and will get hurt, angry, depressed too. But no matter how fragile a guy is, comparing to a girl, he is still stronger. Isn’t it? I am not saying that whatever I said, I am right or you must agree with me, but I need to tell you that, from outer look, I might look strong and independent, but deep inside me, I am those type of girls, once you touched, I will break. I am that fragile. ;(

And quoting from what you say, let bygones be bygones. True. I should forget my past, I should forget how much each individual had hurt me, 属话说得好，我不应该因为一棵树，毁掉整个森林. But I already have the fear in me. No matter how I do, I can’t bring myself to forget the fear, I can’t put down or could put it in a way I don’t know how. I need someone who is strong enough to standby me and helped me out. But now, I don’t know if you still willing to be the one who standby me and helped up a not. Because I know at this point of time, when you are protecting yourself from all hurts, you are tired, you must be fragile.

Haiis, I guess that’s all from me?
Bye Loves. (:


"当一个女人哭，是因为她很累了。
当一个男人哭，是因为他死心了。
但是当一个女人，想哭却哭不出来，是因为她真得太痛了。"